so today is my nanas birthday although shes been passed now for over four years. im still finding its extreemly difficult to get over her. anyways i just wanted to say...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANA...
- i love you always.
this is a poem ive been working on for quite some time actually.. its not finished but i thought i'd post it here.
how do i pretend like its all ok?
to take all of my fears and wash them all away
to act like im not still hurting from the pain you once made me feel
to forget all of the lies so my heart can finally heal
to hide all of the anger and hurt i feel inside
i dont know what it is but i have the hardest time trusting. i second guess everything said to me, especially from my boyfriend. i just dont know what to do anymore cause i never used to be like this. its just that the lack of turst is effecting everything now. i feel guilty for not being able to trust because i end up overreacting and getting all worked up sometimes for no reason at all. then i seem like a complete psycho. so then does it make me a bad person when i second guess things he says?.. i know its understandable sometimes but all the time?.. i just dont know what to do, ive tried to forget about it and just believe that hes speaking the truth but with everything he says i can think up so many different ways that hes lying to me. i knew that his lies would come back and kick us in the ass, i just never thought it would be me that was causing the problem.
these are just a few quotes i like. enjoy.. 
.My knight in shinning armor turned out to be just a loser in aluminum foil.
.a broken <3 wont kill you althugh you wish it would
.these cuts run deel, the scars are permanent and always on display
.the most tragic loss is what dies inside of you while your still alive
.not all scars show, not all wounds heal, you cant always see the pain i feel
.i feel violated... do it again
.its amazing how someone can break your heart and yet you continue to love them with the broken pieces of it
... and then i realized he was the world to me and i meant absolutely nothing to him
.you made me so many promises you could not keep, i believed your lies and now i forever weep
.its said to follow your heart, but when its in a million pieces which way do you go?
.the pain inside was just too real, to wear it on my body explains what words could never reveal
.your eyes empty and cold, filled with darkness like deep black holes, similar to the ones i fall into when i look at you
.relationships are like broken glass. its beter to leave them broken than to hurt yourself trying to fix the shattered pieces
.as the years passed he fell into despair and lost all hope, for who would ever learn to love a beast?
.Remember: The end will justify the pain it took to get us there
.bleed me something beautiful
.don't settle for someone you can live with. live for someone your cant live without
.seperated I cut myself clean from a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams.
.i am the author of my life- unfortunately i am writing in pen and cannot erase the mistakes.
.i'll show you mine if you show me yours, lets compare scares and see whose is worse..
.this could be the last timeyou standby my side.... i can feel my heart bleeding.
.he felt now that he was not simply close to her but that he did not know where he ended & she began
.he who makes a beast out of himself... gets rid of the pain of being a man.
.take good with bad, smile with the sad, love what you got, remember what you had, forgive but never forget, live without regrets
.behind my smile is everything you will never understand
.laugh when u can.apologize when u should n let go of what u can't change.kiss slowly,play hard,forgive quickly,take chances,give everything and have no regrets.lifes too short to be anything but happy.
.Sometimes we put up walls. Not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down.
.I can do things with my one good arm that make you forget about that thing on my neck.
paint brush
i keep my paintbrush with me,
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show me to you,
Afraid of what you'll do,
That you might laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all of my paint coats,
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You're my friend pure as gold.
I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
And hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy,
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true.
But I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
Until I love me too.
and thursday started it all..
- firstly my boyfriend went away to a cottage for the weekend, in which i cannot speak to him nor see him until sunday. its rough because recently him and i have been together day in and day out for weeks on end. not being able to see him nor talk to him is torture to me. he is everything to me and throughout all the rough times in my life he is my only escape. not having him here is driving me go insane.
- next, ive known for a while now that my uncle has been extreemly sick with cancer spreading throughout his body, but i never thought it could be as bad as it was. obviously it was worse than i thought because, he passed away yesterady at about 1:12pm. its was strange when he did and is something that will forever be imprinted in my memory. i felt selfish because looking at him only reminded me of my nana who passed 4 years ago. i never really knew my uncle too well, but hes still family right.. im just so angry because it just seems like everyone i know who has passed in the past few years has died of cancer.
-now that he has past on, i have to attend a funeral sometime this weekend or on monday. its rough because funerals are just so real. knowing that is the last time you are going to be able to see that person is pretty surreal. - to make the day ever better... before my boyfriend left he gave me 60$ so i could go out over the weekend so i can keep things offmy mind.. but while i was at the hospital i guess i left my purse for like half an hour and someone stole 20$. i know its only 20$ but i was planning on returning the money to my boyfriend because i felt guilty. and now i cant even do that. i just feel terrible. argh..
ive just had a terrible day and it all started on thursday. but yet i have all weekend to think about it n try to deal with things.. im scared to do it alone tho. no matter how many deaths you expirence in your life, it never gets easier. i wish my boyfriend was here to help me through this.. i know i have to be independent but its just nice to know someone is there for you.. and to make matters worse everything i do and say reminds me of him. nothing is the same when hes gone... ahh life is balls.
